Dear Cubicle Slave Adjacent,

Shut Up.  For the love of God Just Shut the Fuck Up.

I have never met anyone like you with your constant need to talk.  The non-stop chatter to those around you, the continual phone calls or worse still in absentia of others to yourself.

I often wonder if you suffer from a degree of mental retardation as the only other people who can sustain one-sided conversations, like you, for any duration are the intellectually impaired we see regularly on public transport.  But even they lapse into moments of silence.

The inflection of your voice is quite piercing.  It carries so while you and whatever colleague you have decided to make your secret keeper this week whisper about ‘special cuddles’,  the hushed voices and the accompanying giggling and squealing irritate  like a mosquito buzzing on a still summer’s night.  At least there is Aeroguard to remedy the latter.

What compounds the situation is your verbosity.  Your failure to economise your words.  A simple ‘no’ or ‘yes’ will suffice not prefaced with, “I dare say…”  or “I would suggest…”

Also your compulsive need to overshare.  There are silent means of doing so.  Facebook.  Twitter. Wait until the weekend to catch up with friends. Really, take your pick.

Do not think we have not complained to the powers to be about this.  They concede that your behaviour has caused distress but we have to make allowances as you are ‘special’ blah blah ‘rough childhood’ blah blah blah.

No. I really can’t be bothered to cue the melancholic violins.

Just stop the unnecessary chatter.  There is after all a virtue in silence.

WIth lots of love

Gertie xoxo